EARLY WARNING SIGNS - SCANNING FOR ABUSIVE TENDENCIES
Many of us have either been in an abusive relationship, or know someone who has been. Typically an abuser is very charming, particularly early in a relationship, and they may gain our confidence and trust quickly. As we meet new people and get to know potential partners, how can we be sure we aren’t falling for a bad apple? How do we differentiate between the normal bouts of selfishness all humans have on their bad days, versus something emotionally destructive? Fortunately, most abusers put out warning signals before their abuse goes into full gear. We must be familiar with these signs and regularly scan for them.
[Note - Much of the content in this post comes from Lundy Bancroft and his book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. If you have been in an abusive relationship or come from a family of abuse, we highly recommend reading this.]
WARNING SIGNS
He speaks disrespectfully of his former partners. Be especially cautious of the man who talks about women from his past in degrading or condescending ways, or who characterizes himself as a victim of abuse by women. If you know of a woman who considers him abusive, always find a way to get her side of the story. Notice whether he seems to accept any responsibility for what went wrong in the previous relationship(s). [Note: a few men have the opposite approach, to elevate their former partners so you feel you can never measure up].
He is disrespectful towards you. Disrespect is the soil in which abuse grows. If a man puts you down or sneers at your opinions, if he is rude to you in front of other people, or is cutting or sarcastic, he is communicating lack of respect. These are forms of control and abuse often follows.
He is controlling. At first it can be exciting to be with a man who takes charge, who has opinions, and sets the agenda. Control usually begins in subtle ways, far from anything you would call abuse. He drops comments about your clothes or how you look (too sexy, not sexy enough); is a little negative about your family or one of your good friends; starts pressuring you to spend more time with him or quit your job; starts giving too much advice about how you should manage your life and shows a hint of impatience when you resist his recommendations; or begins to act bothered that you don’t share all of his opinions about politics, personal relationships, music, or other tastes.
He is possessive. Jealous behavior is one of the surest signs that abuse is down the road. Possessiveness masquerades as love. If he indicates that he expects you to give up your freedom to accommodate his jealousy, control is creeping up. Possessiveness shows that he doesn’t love you as an independent human being but rather as a guarded treasure. After a while, you will feel suffocated by his constant vigilance. It is not uncommon, if you are out with friends, for him to call regularly to see who you are with. At first, it may seem enduring with an “I miss you,” but then moves to “let me see who you are with,” and finally to a more possessive/controlling, “I will tell you who you can be with.”
Nothing is ever his fault. He blames something or someone for anything that goes wrong. As time goes by, the target of his blame increasingly becomes you. This style of man also tends to make promises he doesn’t keep, coming up with a steady stream of excuses for disappointing you or behaving irresponsibly. If you need to screenshot or document what was said either by you or him to avoid stories getting twisted, there may be gaslighting or other destructive patterns at play.
He is self-centered. In the first few months of a relationship, the abuser’s self-centeredness is not always apparent, but there are other symptoms you can watch for. Notice whether he does a lot more than his share of the talking, listens poorly when you speak, and chronically shifts the topic of conversation back to himself. Self-centeredness is a personality characteristic that is highly resistant to change.
He does drugs or abuses alcohol. Be especially careful if he pressures you to participate in substance use with him. Although substances do not cause partner abuse, they often go hand in hand. He may try to hook you into believing that you can help him get clean and sober; substance abusers are often “just about” to quit.
He pressures you for sex. This warning sign is always important. Not respecting your wishes or feelings regarding sex speaks of exploitativeness, which in turn goes with abuse. It also is a sign he sees women as sex objects rather than human beings. If he ever says you need to have sex with him to prove that you truly love him and care for him, give him his walking papers.
He gets serious too quickly about the relationship. Because so many men are commitment- phobic, a woman can feel relieved to find a partner who isn’t afraid to talk about marriage and family. But watch out if he jumps too soon into planning your future together without taking enough time to get to know you and grow close. Take steps to slow things down a little.
He intimidates you when he’s angry. Intimidation, even if it appears unintentional, is a sign that emotional abuse is on the way. Signs include: he gets too close to you when he is angry; he tells you “he is just trying to make you listen”; raises his fist, towers over you, shouts you down, or behaves in any way that makes you flinch or feel afraid; he makes threatening comments, such as “you don’t want to see me mad”; he drives recklessly when he’s angry; he punches walls or kicks things; he throws things, even if they don’t hit you.
He has negative attitudes toward women. A man may claim early in a relationship that he views you in a light different from that in which he sees women in general, but the distinction won’t last.
He treats you differently around other people. Adult abusers tend to put on a show of treating their partners like gold when anyone is watching, reserving most of their abuse for times when no one else will see. In teenage or very immature abusers, the opposite is often true. He may be rude or cold in front of other people or friends to impress them with how “cool” and “in control” he is, but then be nicer when they are alone together.
He appears attracted to vulnerability. Some abusive men seek out and prey on vulnerable women, whether that be through age and life experience or through trauma she is going through or has experienced, or a very low self-esteem. Vulnerability creates an instant power differential where she will look up to him as a mentor, teacher, or savior.
He has double-standards. Beware of the man who had a different set of rules for his behavior than for yours. Additionally, beware when his actions do not regularly match his words and promises.
If you are experiencing any of these warning signs, especially multiples of them, you may be wise to do some additional reflection on his background and the true state of your relationship. Often the actions connected to these warning signs don’t improve, but instead intensify. If this resonates with you, please reach out to someone to confide in, especially if you have found yourself in a relationship resembling behavior in this article.
If you are in an abusive relationship and need help please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at:
1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Or check out their website at:
