Waves of Grief (Part 2) - Riding Towards Health
In a prior post (read here), we talked about the different, and normal, emotions you are likely to experience if you’ve become a single mama after a broken relationship. In this post, we’ll talk about the ways to respond to those emotions and work towards emotional health.
Change involves loss and loss involves grief. Grief is normal. But it hurts, and it can be extremely difficult. There are a lot of factors impacting how we experience grief and what our healing journey looks like.
Did you know? A key factor playing a significant role in how you grieve is actually your childhood, especially your earliest years (Look up “attachment theory” if interested in the research). The basic idea: the more trust and safety we developed with our caregiver(s) as little ones, the greater our sense of security later in life. But even if this was a challenge in your family of origin, the good news is that you can still navigate grief in a healthy manner; it just may require more intentionality as you factor in your attachment history.
One of the first things that you’ll encounter, whether consciously or subconsciously, is a change of identity. When calamity strikes, our sense of normal is completely thrown out of balance. What once was our typical experience, even if negative, no longer provides structure or stability for us. Our personal identity, including roles we play, dreams and visions for the future, self-perception, and social structures can all be thrown into chaos. Physical securities may also be impacted. Things like where we live, how we’ll have money to pay for things, or medical coverage, are often impacted as well. We will continue to feel off-balance and out of sorts until we are able to make sense of each of these aspects of our life. Our encouragement is to sit down and make a couple of lists. Write down what was true before you experienced this change and what you believe is true now, after the changes. Start with things that are known, working towards the unknown.
Start with personal characteristics. Who are you? What makes you unique? What are the good traits? What are your values?
Move into roles. What roles are the same? Daughter, friend, mom, etc. What roles have changed?
Navigate your physical world. What is the same, what has changed? Most likely, you’ll find that your list of “same” is much larger than that which has “changed”. This should be comforting, and hopefully, encouraging.
Another common aspect of grieving focuses on “making meaning” of the change - the ability to look at the change and pain, and see meaning or purpose in it. The goal is not to pretend something bad and painful never happened; rather, it is to balance the pain with a greater sense of purpose to help us see the beginnings of a vision for our future. This process often takes time and cannot be forced. The question is, “are you willing to look for meaning? Can you acknowledge positive aspects of the change?” Ultimately, our perspective will begin to expand. We will start finding meaning and positive aspects of the changes that have occurred and this will bring healing.
In addition to “making meaning,” we have the opportunity to grow from our experiences. Regardless of the degree to which we or others are at fault, the core principle is our ability to learn and grow. What can I learn about myself from this? What aspects of me were helpful and healthy, and what aspects need growth and change? Do I have difficulty in finding healthy and safe people? Am I healthy and safe? All of these and many more questions help us grow through change and experiences we encounter. There are two dangerous poles that we need to avoid. One extreme is, “this was all my fault, I am a horrible person and if I had only…..” The other side is, “I’m completely innocent and this is all their fault.” A healthier approach is to step back and look at the good and the bad, to acknowledge both things we did well and areas we could have done better. The goal is to grow!
Finally, as we navigate each of these aspects, we should test how much progress we are making by this: what is the degree to which our focus oscillates between the loss and the healing? (Look up Dual Process Model of grief for more details) There is a myth that only focusing on the positive is healthy. The reality is that typically the overly-positive are masking their grief and not engaging it in a healthy way. But those that are only sitting in their pain are in danger as well. The real question is, over time, are you moving between a focus on the loss and experiencing restoration? Do you take time to acknowledge the grief and are you doing new things?
All of this is hard. It is often very painful. But you can do this. You can heal and get healthy. And, you are not alone! We are here to walk this journey with you. To encourage, to grieve, to dream of a better tomorrow. Let us know how we can help!
