Waves of Grief (Part 1) - Normal Emotions
Our most frequent questions are typically connected to pain and grief. Is this normal? Am I ever going to feel better again? How can I navigate the hurt, the pain, the shame, the…? Almost all change involves loss. Loss involves grief. The odds are that what you are experiencing IS normal, but that doesn’t make it easier. In this post, we’ll walk through the basics of grief and discuss how we can navigate forward together.
Whether the ending of your relationship was sudden, or a slow painful build-up, it is likely that a change in your dreams and direction occurred. Even a good change, like graduating school or starting a new job, involves some level of grief. An old identity is gone and a new one must be rebuilt. The depth and duration of the grief we experience will be based on a number of factors - the type of change, the suddenness and level of hurt, our attachment style (from childhood), and our current emotional health. For many, the pain of a broken relationship (especially one that extended over many years) is extremely severe. Below, we’ll talk about “average” experiences for a difficult breakup after having been married or in a relationship for a decade or more.
“Normal” Emotions
[Quick note: most of us are very familiar with the five stages of grief made popular in the late 1960’s - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We will not focus on this model, as there is currently strong debate in the academic community of its validity due to lack of evidentiary support; though some certainly do experience these stages.]
Sadness - the most common emotion. Sadness for the loss of close companionship, the loss of dreams in a shared future, the loss of identity, perhaps parts of your community, and likely many other things special to you. Sadness is usually expressed in tears - whether little ones that leak out at a memory, or gut-wrenching sobs when feeling overwhelmed and lost. All of these are normal in the first few days, weeks and even months. Typically, these waves of sadness subside in frequency, intensity, and duration as we get further into our new normal and our identity adapts to the changes.
Anger - a close second to sadness as the most common emotion felt after loss. Anger at how we have been wronged. Anger at promises that weren’t kept, lies and deceptions we experienced. It may feel that justice isn’t being served, that others are getting away with wrongdoing. We may be angry that our investment of time, energy, and love is bankrupt. Anger is normal and valid but we must be very careful in how we express that anger, as we are capable of great damage to ourselves and others.
Guilt - most of us readily accept fault does not usually lie exclusively with one person; we know we are/were not perfect. It is common to replay scenes and conversations in our mind’s eye, wishing we had said or done things differently. Words of accusation from our former mate, friends, family, or ourselves, pierce soft places of the heart with pain and regret. Our challenge is to learn from the past and not condemn ourselves for it.
Anxiety (Fear) - deep loss takes a toll on our bodies physically. We wear down our defenses through lack of sleep, poor eating, and on-going emotional wrestling. "Can I trust anyone?” “How am I going to pay the bills?” “What will people say?” “Where will I live?” and a million questions will plague us. This is a very vulnerable state as we worry and fear the unknown and try to bring order and control into chaos.
Despair, Depression, Lack of Motivation - when hit with a strong emotional blow, it’s normal to lose our “mojo” for a while. It can be difficult to get out of bed, up from the couch, or up off the floor. Sometimes, a wonderful day will suddenly be sapped of its energy. Other times, the world feels dark with little purpose. These things are normal, in spurts; but if they are all-consuming, without reprieve, or if you have suicidal thoughts, please tell someone and get help immediately (call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. They are there 24/7 just to talk and encourage you!)
Relief - don’t feel guilty or surprised if there is a part of you feeling relieved. This is not felt by all, but certainly enough to be considered “normal.” Depending on your relational dynamics, there may be areas in which you feel a “cloud” or “weight” has been lifted. You may sense some freedom in different areas or aspects of your life you didn’t expect.
These are the most common, normal emotions that you likely are feeling or have felt. They typically are most intense in the days and weeks following separation or divorce and they wane in time. However, they rarely “just go away” and may hit us unexpectedly as a memory, scent or emotion reminds us. That’s ok. It’s also ok to seek counseling and to process and navigate through the pain with others. In our next post, we’ll talk about healthy ways to navigate these emotions and feelings!
Finally, we here at Not Alone are always looking to stay fresh and current with our research. We’d love to hear your story and the emotions you’ve felt. Were they consistent with this list? Were they different?
[Note: portions of this post leveraged research material from Supporting People Through Loss and Grief by John Wilson)
